Sometimes, however, unmet attachment needs have a positive impact on future relationships, if those later friendships are experienced as second chances. Eager to love and be loved, eager to meet those basic needs for caring and affiliation, children can make up for those unmet needs by being outgoing, having strong leadership qualities, and becoming devoted friends. So insecurely attached children are not doomed to a life of desperation, withdrawal, clinging, aggression, or insecurity, but they may need some additional help negotiating the complex terrain of the social world. The deeper a childs unmet need, the harder it may be to ever have it filled later on. Expecting rejection, neglect, or smothering, the child may respond to peers with passivity, withdrawal, or aggression. Children who are afraid to assert their own needs may follow along with whatever the friend or the group says.
Michael G. Thompson
In the shelter of friendship, children can move at their own developmental pace.
Michael G. Thompson
It doesnt always have to be that way, however. Later friendships can offer a second chance to finally get those old needs met. I often ask adults in therapy how they managed to cope with the terrible traumas they endured. The ones who coped best, even ones with horrendous histories of abuse and neglect, were those who found a friend or supporter. Somehow, even through the betrayals and abandonments, these individuals managed to connect with someone, usually a very special person who saw through the childs surface layer of aggressiveness, withdrawal, or fear and persisted in offering a helping hand. For some survivors of abuse, this connection came from a peer, perhaps someone whose own suffering made them especially empathic. Others were supported by an adult, someone who didnt abuse or neglect them, but treated them with respect and dignity. Still others were shut out of human connection but managed to find a friend by connecting with a pet, a doll, a character in a favorite book or an imaginary friend.
Michael G. Thompson
The white middle-class kids were looking forward to high school, academically and socially. The black kids and the white working-class kids had mixed feelings about the transition. For them high school meant an end to the one big happy family they had experienced in their grammar school. Because these students were a minority, they spent some time hanging out within their groups, building identity, and part of the time with the majority kids, building bridges. In high school, though, as they had heard from older siblings and friends, the black kids hung out with the black kids, the Asian kids with the Asian kids, and so on. There were big enough groups in each of these categories that identity politics often took precedence over friendship. Friendships across those lines werent impossible, but they were much harder.
Michael G. Thompson
It has to be okay for a child not to be an alpha male or queen beeotherwise almost everyone is doomed to misery. Set your sights a little lower and look to see if your child has the basics covered. Watch your child with a friend. Are they happy to see one another? Do they engage in reciprocal play? Do they take each others feelings into account? Can they resolve conflict without help? Do they have more peaceful time than fighting time? If your child can do these things at least some of the time, you can relax.
Michael G. Thompson
We can unwittingly undermine the friendship by imposing our adult standard of justice instead of the childs standard of forgive-and-forget.
Michael G. Thompson
First and foremost, you need to talk with your childs teacher. If you think that your child is on the margins of the class, ask the teacher if that is true. It is a painful question to ask and a tough question to answer. Be blunt. Explain your worry and lay out the facts as you see them. It may take this kind of bold appraisal before a teacher will say, Yes, Im sorry to say that your child doesnt have a friend in the class, or Yes, he is teased an awful lot. Parents need to know that teachers are generally very kind, diplomatic, and supportive. It is difficult for them to be direct about a childs terrible social situation unless he is a bully whos causing problems for other children. If a child is the real victim, teachers sometimes hold themselves responsible for fixing the problem and feel defensive if they cannot.
Michael G. Thompson