the feeling that even close friendships had become provisional. There are no guarantees since people can move at any point, or marry, or have some other commitment that supersedes their friendship with me. So, I reasoned, no matter how fond of me a good friend seemed to be they would drop me when work or family warranted it.
I am grateful to my friend, Kathy Keller, for reminding me that God doesnt give us hypothetical grace but only actual grace. The point is that when we imagine all the worst case scenarios, we are imagining them without factoring in the presence and grace of God that would be there if they actually happened. As Kathy wrote in an email once, God doest play that game. He doesnt inject hypothetical grace into your hypothetical nightmare situation ,so that you would know what it would actually feel like if you ever did end up in that situation. He only gives grace for our actual situation. Replaying these scenarios over and over in our mind is therefore not at all helpful, and actually factors out what God would be doing were it to actually happen. What were imaging is actually life in that situation without Gods presence. Better to find something else to fill our minds with. C.S. Lewis makes a similar point when he says, Remember one is given the strength to bear what happens, but not the 101 different things that might happen.
I am grateful to my friend, Kathy Keller, for reminding me that God doesnt give us hypothetical grace but only actual grace. The point is that when we imagine all the worst case scenarios, we are imagining them without factoring in the presence and grace of God that would be there if they actually happened. As Kathy wrote in an email once, God doesnt play that game. He doesnt inject hypothetical grace into your hypothetical nightmare situation, so that you would know what it would actually feel like if you ever did end up in that situation. He only gives grace for our actual situation. Replaying these scenarios over and over in our mind is therefore not at all helpful, and actually factors out what God would be doing were it to actually happen. What were imaging is actually life in that situation without Gods presence. Better to find something else to fill our minds with. C.S. Lewis makes a similar point when he says, Remember one is given the strength to bear what happens, but not the 101 different things that might happen.
It is no surprise that weddings can be a little bittersweet for single people. Were genuinely happy for our friends as they marry. But there can also be a sense of loss. It is the start of a new era for the couple. But the end of an era for our friendship. A single friend of mine in his late forties, recently said that the marriage of one of his closest friends felt like a bereavement. It feels as though youve been demoted. One writer, Carrie English, describes feelings of rejection that come when attending the wedding of friends. Two people announcing publicly that they love each other more than they love you. There is not denying that weddings change friendships forever. Priorities have been declared in public. Shell be there for him in sickness and in health, till death do they part. Shell be there for you on your birthday or when he has to work late. Being platonically dumped wouldnt be so bad if people would acknowledge that you have the right to be platonically heartbroken. But its just not part of our vocabulary. However much our society might pay lip service to friendship, the fact remains that the only love it considers important, important enough to make a huge public celebration, is romantic love.
Being platonically dumped wouldnt be so bad if people would acknowledge that you have the right to be platonically heartbroken. But its just not part of our vocabulary. However much our society might pay lip service to friendship, the fact remains that the only love it considers important, important enough to make a huge public celebration, is romantic love.
But with many of my friendships, I tend to make the first move. This is understandable as Im the one looking for some happy company when I have a free evening or weekend. My married friends dont have the same need for immediate company. I get that. But over time it can start to hurt. And it can make you wonder how long you might have to wait for them to initiate contact. Some of my friends have said something along the line of You know where you are and youre always welcome. Dont wait for us to invite you. On one level, this is very touching. But when several say it, the cumulative effect on darker days is to make me hear it as, Were not going to be thinking of you or pursuing you. We dont necessarily need you, and so youre going to have to reach out to us if you want to come over. And it will always need to be you coming to us, rather than the other way around.
Some of my friends have said something along the line of You know where you are and youre always welcome. Dont wait for us to invite you. On one level, this is very touching. But when several say it, the cumulative effect on darker days is to make me hear it as, Were not going to be thinking of you or pursuing you. We dont necessarily need you, and so youre going to have to reach out to us if you want to come over. And it will always need to be you coming to us, rather than the other way around.
The fact is, in all likelihood, singles need their married friends more than their married friends need them. Thats not to say that married friends dont need their single friends at all, its just a different kind or different level of need. As a single person, my friends are a lifeline. Theyre like family. They are the ones with whom I feel most known and lovedI need them. Hugely. But the fact is they dont need me in the same way. Many of them are the equivalent of family, but since they have families of their own, the familial sense I have towards them is not necessarily reciprocated. That might be good and right as far as it goes, but it can also be painful at times.
I cant get by with seeing such close friends once every three months. It made me realize that while my close friends feel essential to me, I might not necessarily feel essential to them. That can really hurt. What they are to me, their families are to them. I exist much lower down on their list of needs.
Weve been good friends for years. We eat to together once a week on average. Weve gone on holidays together. Weve known each other well enough and long enough to have developed a natural ease and familiarity with one another. Theyre the kind of people I can quite happily spend time with doing nothing at all. Im quite serious. Its not unusual to find us sitting together, all reading books and barely talking for a couple hours or so. We have an unspoken rule that its entirely okay to doze off on each others couches.
When such friends move, and if you excuse the cliche, it feels like theyre taking a bit of my home with them. And when this happens a number of times over successive years, I feel like Im Voldemort with relational horcruxes scattered all over the place.
A friend moving away is often hard because of what it often represents. People move for all sorts of reasonsbut whatever the reason, it is another way of reminding us that however close our friendship is, its not close enough to make someone think twice about upping sticks and moving offThe family goes. You stay. Thats the dealPeople will move for family or economics, but no one moves for friends. All this underlines the fact that there is a commitment that comes with family that is lacking in the way most people think about friendship.